Definitely a "What Am I Doing" Moment.

so after all that profile editing and design layout picking, i think i've lost my spark of interest for this idea in general. but oh well. i'll keep writing i guess. 


so i maybe i should clarify the point of this "blog" (jeez i feel so weird calling it that). 


i like to write...(too blunt huh?)
lately i've been feeling differently about myself and the way i express things
it's probably all connected to the fact 
that junior year in high school is really starting to make me feel like a wreck.
Not so much to the point where i'm coming home and crying in a corner, 
but more panicky. 
at every moment where i feel overwhelmed with homework 
or the scheduling of a test, 
i shut down 
and stupidly continue to ask myself why i put up with it. 
and it's dumb to say that i don't want to achieve. 
but maybe it's more like what the definition of "achieve" has become. 
as if there's this huge potential in everyone's future 
that needs to be grasped, 
and if you don't, 
well then your just flat out a loser. 
of course i don't want to be a loser, 
but what's become of my potential? 
my motive to succeed? 
well, to put it frankly, it just doesn't really exist in me right now. 


i mean, all i want to be is a coral gardner if fiji. 
i just want to walk on water all day 
and sing songs with friends all night. 


but even still,
i need to get through high school and college.
i have to continue feeling as though my test scores are all that 
i am to some people (ahem, teachers) 
and i have to just suck it up. 


doesn't it suck telling yourself to 'suck it up'? 
for me it does


so for now, 
i'll sit on my couch, 
text my friends, 
stare at this screen,
and ask myself 
"What am i doing?" 
Until i find an answer i like. 




damn. 
what is this funk i'm in?